Someday I'll fly away

2004-01-18T17:26:00.000+10:00

Am I clever or what? I've just made up a template from scratch and I had no idea what I was doing. Ok it's probably a fluke...*LOL* It's not a complicated template, but I'll probably do some tweaking sooner or later. Perhaps do something with the colours.

I've been building a webpage and I've added the link to it. There isn't much there yet unless you want to see some pretty pictures. It's called "Susan's Cottage" and I've got it organised into "rooms" to hold a variety of subjects. For example, recipes will be in the kitchen, information on dream interpretation will be in the bedroom, fiction and this journal will be in the library, information on gardening will be in the garden and so on. This blog will sort of be part of the site. I'm thinking of doing a gardening blog too. Maybe a birdwatching blog. Maybe I'll just go blog crazy.

2004-01-18T17:18:00.000+10:00

I've made up a new template for this. Just posting something quick to see if it's working properly.

2004-01-15T01:12:00.000+10:00

I should make sure I write in hear earlier at night rather than almost 1am when I'm too sleepy to think straight. I didn't sleep very well last night. Kept having nightmares. Very very strange ones. Difficult to describe because they don't make much sense in places even by dream-logic standards.

I've done stuff-all all day. Spent most of the day reading and listening to music. The accoustics in this house are great! I did a bit of unpacking, but still have a fair bit to go. I cooked dinner again tonight. I actually enjoy cooking in this kitchen because it's open to the lounge-dining area so I can play music. Plus it's small and everything is in easy reach.

I called Dr Bulter today. I'm offically off the Lithium for good. I have to start taking the Epilim again once the rash has gone, starting at a low dose and increasing over a week or so. He didn't mention anything about any new medication. I'll have to start something new 'cause Epilim doesn't really help with the depressive side of things.

I still have a bit of a rash.... some new spots came up tonight. Itchier than yesterday and even more annoying, I have a few on my face. I don't suppose I'll sleep well tonight either. Oh well, at least I know for sure what is causing it, so once this bit is over I shouldn't get it again.

I just hope I don't head into an episode with all this medication problems. I've been Ok so far, but today I feel.... well a little strange. I don't know how to explain it. A bit anxious, but there's more to it. I feel easily triggered. Things I read, or music sending me into strange moods or thoughts. Perhaps I'm just sleep deprived. I do still feel pretty tired physically, but I can't sleep.

I meant to do some gardening today, but it rained. We bought some vegetable seedlings on Tuesday and I'm keen to start a veggie garden. If it's still raining tomorrow I might just do it anyway and get wet. I don't want the seedlings to die.

Other things I need to do tomrrow is clean the fridge ('cause it didn't get done before the move, and I volunteered to do it) and finish my unpacking. If I get thru all that I might do some work on my new webpage.

Right now I should stop chatting to Ted and go to bed.

2004-01-14T01:19:00.000+10:00

We're at the new house. Too tired to say much. Love being here though.

Went to see Dr Butler yesterday. He rang an allergist and the advice was to divide 1 250mg Lithium tablet into 1/8ths and take that to see if there was any reaction, so I took that last night at about 10pm. By lunchtime I was getting a few hives, so it seems that I was right and it is the Lithium.

Not sure what I'll be doing about meds now. With any luck he'll put me on the one that makes you lose weight rather than gain it!

Whatever I end up on, I hope the side effects aren't too bad. There always are some the first few weeks at least.

Tomorrow, I have to get started on my unpacking. Plus I've volunteered to clean the fridge out and start on a veggie garden. Should be a busy day.

Our new ISP gives us some space for a website that Mum said I could use. I had started putting together a personal website last year. I think I'll have another fiddle with it and see what I can make of it, so I can link this blog to it.

2004-01-11T20:27:00.000+10:00

I hate packing!!!!! Can't wait til we get to the new house. Tomorrow's the day. Unpacking isn't so bad. And the new house is so much nicer to be in. Much cooler, and not as dusty as this place is. So much dust from the moving, and it's giving me a headache.

Roz came over today to help and spent most of the afternoon helping me! I'm very grateful to her 'cause I've had a stomachache all day and still feel tired. well fatigued strictly speaking. Not tired from actually doing anything. But it's getting done that's the main thing.

I still haven't taken any of my bipolar meds. I have my appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, so I expect a scolding. But it's been a bad time to experiment with the possiblity of an allergic reaction. Tomorrow night I have worked out is the best time to take the Lithium and hope that it isn't what was causing the hives. Mum and Dad will be home all day Tuesday so that if I have a reaction and need to go to the doctors (or hospital if it gets much worse than last time) I'm not alone in the house. I don't know about Epilim, but I guess I'll discuss that with Dr B tomorrow.

I have to pack up the computer shortly and we don't have the internet on at the new house yet (might be able to have it connected tomorrow, so I'm not sure when I can update this next. I meant to write about taking Robyn and the kids up to see the house on Friday. We had a great time, and the kids just LOVED the donkeys.

Must finish my packing. Can't wait til this is over!

2004-01-08T12:20:00.000+10:00

How to survive the heat without air-conditioning

1. Turn on the ceiling fan as high as it will go.
2. Position two upright fans pointing directly at your computer chair.
3. Place a footbath full of cold water under your desk.
4. Fill an esky with fruit-juice iceblocks and place beside chair for easy access.
5. Relax and enjoy the day

Very hot and humid today. They've promised us a storm this evening followed by a cool change. They'd better be right or I'll sue!

Mum and Dad have gone up to the new place again today. I was supposed to pack up a few more things for them to take last night but I didn't end up doing it. It was very hot yesterday too, and by the evening I felt so sluggish I could barely move. I'm not sure if it's the heat affecting me or just my general health.

I don't think I'll get much in the way of packing done today either, unless the storm hits earlier rather than later and cools the place down. I think I'll do some study instead. I want to get ahead before the Semester starts in late Feb. And now that I think my enrollment problems are sorted out, I feel like doing it.

I don't think I mentioned the enrollment problems before. What happened was that I got a letter from the Uni just before Christmas saying that they were going to exlude me for 2 semesters due to poor performance, but it was obviously a mistake because I did really well last semester!! They finally admitted the mistake yesterday and assured me that the decision would be overturned. Our uni admin is netoriously incompetent at times.

Anyway, I'll see if I can get my head round some work.

2004-01-07T00:09:00.000+10:00

So, the last day I wrote I wasn't feeling well, and I had hives. Fun combination. Well it got progressively worse in spite of anti-histamine and prednisone tablets. On Friday morning I woke up covered from scalp to toes in a raised rash that went way beyond itchy and was bloody painful!! And not only that I was swelling up all over, including in my throat. Horrible feeling. Plus I was so sick and dizzy.

Went straight off to the doctors (seem to be living at Banyo Clinic lately - when I had that burn before Christmas I was in there every day getting the dressing changed), and had a blood test done. I'm not usually bad with having blood drawn, but I was feeling so sick I had to lie down to have it done, and then of course threw up. The pathologists was really nice about it.

Once I got home I passed out on the couch (I'd only meant to lie down) and slept the rest of the day, and didn't take either the Lithium or Epilim. By the evening I was that much better that I was (and still am) seriously suspecting one or other of the meds to be the cause of the hives. So I didn't take any more over the weekend. Not only did the rash clear up (well mostly, I still have faint red patches on my skin) but it didn't return.

BUT, once the test results came back, the Lithium and Epilim levels were fine, so it's not a toxic reaction, and the only thing the test showed was that I have a high white blood cell count, which the doctor said was probably a virus, that the virus was now the most likely cause of the rash.

So now I'm confused and not sure what to do. I called my psychiatrist yesterday and he thinks its unlikely to be the meds causing an allergic reaction after I've been on them for some time (over a year for Epilim, and nearly 6 months on Lithium). He says to stay off the Epilim for a bit, and just take one Lithium tablet a day until I see him next (on Tuesday) but stop if the rash comes back. I'm scared to death to try. Especially since I have be reducing the dosage of Prednisone over the next week, and if it's a virus it may come back as the dosage is reduced. So if I do get it again, how am I going to know what the cause is!!! And I don't want the bloody rash back!! It was downright frightening getting all that swelling, I was scared I was going to suffocate (which I later found out can happen, and might have if the reaction had been too much worse, so I do have reason to be scared).

I should have taken a Lithium today. Should have taken one yesterday too really, if I had been following Dr Butler's advice. But let's face it, it was so hot today if the rash had come back it would have been so unbareable. And I would never have made it out to the new house, plus if it had been really serious like last Friday, it would have meant that Mum would've had to have taken me to the doctors and probably not have made it out to the new place either.

And the trouble with taking the Lithium and risking the return of the rash is that we have to spend all this week packing, and I need to be healthy enough to do it. I don't want to disrupt things too much. But I'm taking a big risk of mood swings if I don't take my meds. I've not been off meds since I was diagnosed in October 2002, so I'm not sure what will happen if I stay off them for a bit. I've had mild hypomania and fairly bad depression even on them.

I wish I knew what to do. I should be brave and just take the Lithium tomorrow, and see what happens. But maybe I'll wait a couple more days.

God, what a choice! Insanity or a painful scarey rash.

2004-01-06T23:15:00.000+10:00

Ok, now I'll write what I've been meaning to write all night, about today and why I haven't written for a bit. I think I'll just type what I wrote in my other diary earlier today, it's getting late and I'm sleep deprived.

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3pm Tuesday 6th January 2004

I'm at the new house sitting at the table on the back porch. Mum and Dad are siestering in their bedroom on two strecher beds. The dogs are at my feet chewing bones. It's been a stinker of day, but there is a cool breeze out the back now which is nice.

I'm stting out here with a bag of apples waiting for the donkey's to come back. We've 'inherited' two donkeys with this place. They actually belong to a lady who runs a petting farm and Chase who used to own the house borrowed them as lawn mowers. Dad liked the idea so they're staying.

OK, I can see one, I'm going to call them over. ...

Yay, first contact has been made!! Well, I have "met" them before, but I'm trying to make friends with them and get them to trust me if they're going to be living here. Now they're hanging around the back fence again. The garden fence, really - the donkeys are actually in the back paddock, which is around 2 acres - the whole block being around 2 1/4 acres. The paddock has a small orchid of fruit trees (citrus, mangos, bannanas, and a few exotic things), a sort of mini-rainforest, and further back some native trees and a large dam.

The dogs don't know quite what to make of the donkeys. They bark when I pat them. I don't know if they're worried or jealous.

Mum and Dad have fed the donkeys now. Sasha and Kiama (my dogs) cme to the fence while we were feeding them. They won't go near the donkeys while no-one is there even with the fence in between them. Spose the donkeys look really big to them. They did to me at first, I'm not used to larger animals like that. Even though these ones are a smaller breed (only kids could ride them). When you go into their paddock they follow you very closely and it was a bit disconcerting at first. Now I've spent some time with them, I can see that they're actually very sociable creatures and are just looking for some attention. I think Chase's kids used to play with them a lot, and they haven't had anyone there much in the past week since she moved out, so they're probably a bit lonely. We'll have to remember to make the effort to spend some time with them each day. They do seem to be more pets than farm animals really.

Mum and Dad are unpacking a few odds and ends that they brought over. I've only brought some clothes that I won't be using in the next week before we offically move in. Today's only a visit. Tuesday is the big day.

It's so peaceful here, just the sounds of birds and circadas and some faint traffic noise, but you barely notice that - there isn't much. There is the odd train also (wonder what an even train sounds like???), but I think only around 10 a day go past here, it's only the Nambour line this far up.

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The rest of it continues from where I was up to in that diary, so I'll have to write something different now. I'll post this bit anyway in case I don't get it done tonight.

2004-01-06T22:43:00.000+10:00

We've just had exciting news. Louisa's had the baby! A little girl, Kiera Jade. I don't know her measurements yet. *LOL* Mum is on the phone to Grandma. She'll be excited, it's her first great-grandchild.

The baby was to be induced yesterday, but it seems that didn't work so Louisa had a cesarian. The baby's a bit small, but healthy. Can't wait to see picks of my new cousin.

There is a link to my cousin Gavin (and his partner Louisa's website) which charts the progress of the pregnancy. It's pretty funny and worth a look. I hope they keep charting the baby's life for those of us who live far away and won't get to see her as a baby.

BTW, I just added some links to the page. Most of them are family stuff, plus a link to the Bipolar section of About.com, in case anyone ever reads this and wonders what the hell I'm on about when I talk about Bipolar disorder.

Wonder if anyone'll ever read this anyway. I don't think anyone has ever come on this site. Not that I'm sure how they'd find it. Maybe I should find some rings to join or something. It would be nice to think I wasn't just writing this for me. I already have a diary that no-one else sees. :-) Don't need another one.

2004-01-06T21:07:00.000+10:00

Great, this program works. That's so nice and easy to use instead of logging onto the website. I'm writing crap. Oh well, better than speaking it. Been babbling shit all evening. Have to watch what I say. I wonder if I'm getting a bit hypomanic, I'm off meds for the moment and I'm not sleeping well so it's very possible.

Anyway, I'll write more later.....maybe....

2004-01-06T21:03:00.000+10:00

Writing this through a program so I don't have to log in on the website each time i update. Just testing to see if it works.

2003-12-27T12:15:00.000+10:00

I don't feel so great today. I was supposed to get up early this morning and head down to the shops for the sales (had plans to buy a juicer for quite some time now, and I've now got heaps of vouchers), but I couldn't wake up. I spent an hour hitting the snooze button every six minutes, before turning it off and going back to sleep properly.

I feel sick in the stomach and have the runs (I'm sure you wanted to know that). Which means I've either got the same bug Dad had, or I'm having a toxic reaction to my Lithium. Personally I think it's a bug. Hope I'm right! I'll be glad when I get off this high dose of Lithium, it makes me nervous.

For anyone who might end up reading this, Lithium is a medication for bipolar, and there can be a very fine line between a therapeutic level and a toxic level. Dehydration can send the levels of Lithium in your blood up, so I hope I've been drinking enough water. I've been trying to.

Ah, Mum's sweet, she's offered to make me some vegimite on toast to see if I can eat something. I'd better go.

2003-12-26T14:55:00.000+10:00

Having fun fiddling around with the format. Just added a comments thingy to the site. Need to do something about the links, but I'll do them later. The comments work, so if anyone happens to stumble on this flegling blog, please leave a message and let me know you were here.

Fuck it's hot and muggy today. It wouldn't be bothering me so much, except that I have had some kind of allergic reaction to something and broken out in hives. They are weird looking things. They've come up in circles and groups of circles that merge together in some places. I'm not sure what caused them but nearly 2 weeks ago I scalded myself quite badly by knocking over a coffee plunger (don't ask!!) and the doctor thought it was quite possibly the glue from the dressing over the burn. (I told the first doctor I saw that something like this could happen - though I did think it would only affect the skin where the bandage had been - and he seemed to think I was nuts because it was supposed to be hyperallergenic, but I have the type of skin that reacts to things that I've used quite safely previously - lots of fun).

Anyway, yesterday was quite pleasant because we spent Christmas day at my sister's and she and her husband have air-conditioning in their bedroom. After the important stuff was over (opening presents and lunch), I took refuge in their bedroom with the aircon on full ball. (Wish I was there today, but the itches aren't so bad fortunately). I napped for a while (nice 'cause I haven't been sleeping well lately) and read a book my sister had given my father The Baghdad Blogger. It was fascinating. I'd recommend it to anyone. This guy has some interesting perspectives and a great sense of humour too. His Blog Where is Raed? is still being updated, so I recommend a visit there also.

Actually in many ways it's not only informative about what's happening in Iraq now, but it's also a bit of a reality check as well. We have so much we take for granted. I've basically been getting through the last two weeks of pain and discomfort by saying to myself "it could be worse, it could be worse" (even when the doc's freaked me out by saying I might need skin grafts - I don't fortunately). Reading this stuff just confirms it, things could be a fucking whole lot worse.

I feel so sorry for all those people in Iraq. I hope some sanity prevails somewhere and things improve soon. I wish I could help them somehow, but I can barely help myself (though that does seem to be improving). We went to demos, lots of them, but did that change anything? Our government doesn't listen, and our stupid PM just loves to lick Bush's ass. For years now we haven't had anything resembling an alternative government in the opposition, though that may change now Mark Latham is head of the party. Either way, there is still not a lot I can do sitting here.

I'd better go, I think there is a storm coming.

2003-12-26T13:29:00.000+10:00

I'm amazed this is still up. I started this months ago, when I was healthier and more or less functioning. The months in between I have either been sick or busy studying so I didn't write anything online. I've kept a hand-written diary on and off, but doing it online didn't really appeal.

Anyway, this post is just to see if it's all still working.

2003-04-30T06:34:00.000+10:00

6.15 and I'm having breakfast. I'm on a diet and it's my pig-out day. It sounds strange, but for 6 days a week I'm on a really low fat, low carbohydrate, high protein diet. On one day a week I can eat anything I want. This is supposed to boost the metabolism. I'm not sure if that's really true, but I do enjoy being able to eat anything and I AM loosing weight, which is the main thing. Two kilos since I started the diet two weeks ago. So for breakfast, I'm enjoying bacon and eggs and toast, with coffee AND sugar. Very unhealthy, but delicious.

I start work at 7am today, so this will be brief. I just want to write to get in the habit of updating this regularly. Hopefully today I'll work on getting a site ready for this with some different graphics. I think I can work it out.

We went to Roz and Matt's for dinner last night, 'cause it was Grandma and Pop's last night here before they go back to Canberra. Dinner was nice, except that I couldn't eat much except for salad and cold meat. We had fun though, but I was a bit puzzled by Roz and Matt's flatmate (also Matt) telling me about an ex girlfriend who asked him to spank her, and a friend who is a sort of male prostitute. Normally this wouldn't bother me so much, but it DID feel weird with my grandparents sitting only meters away. I don't know quite what to make of Matt F.

After work today, I'm going to the airport to see Grandma and Pop off, then I guess I'll be home for a few hours to do whatever I want. Probably play with a webpage. Either this afternoon or this evening I hope to get to the gym.

All very exciting, isn't it? I should go get ready for work.

2003-04-29T12:31:00.000+10:00

OK, it's 11.30 and I'm having breakfast. I'm still trying to work out how this thing works, so forgive the crappy posts. I hate the template I'm using, and I want to have this attached to a different site, not on blogger. I want to make a website for my creative writings. I started doing it some time ago, but never got around to finishing it. But I guess while it's still in the process of being created, it will have to stay here for now. Not that it matters. No-one will ever read this. I wonder if there is a way to do paragraphs here? I tried last night and they didn't come up in the post. I'm a bit nervous about using the html just in case I stuff something up. Anyway, breakfast over. I have to go get ready for work.

2003-04-28T22:00:00.000+10:00

Well, I'm just experimenting so it's a little hard to know what to say at the moment. Plus, I'm a little bit sleepy, which doesn't help. Where to begin, where to begin?

What about my day?

I slept in....I'm almost ashamed to admit to how long....OK, 2pm, and even then I only woke up 'cause I had set the alarm. I have an excuse though, my sleep cycle is all screwed up. It's probably another bipolar thing.

I had my appointment with Dr Butler this afternoon, and he gave me a prescription for some sleeping tablets, and told me to take them for the next 3 or 4 nights and hopefully that will regulate my sleeping patterns.

Dr Butler (for anyone who might end up reading this) is my psychiatrist, and I see him because I have biopolar disorder, (aka manic depression.) Bipolar disorder is a genetically inherited chemical imbalance in the brain and nervous system that causes mood swings (from quite mild to severe depression, elation, anxiety, anger etc), plus a range of other really fun symptoms like needing very little sleep or too much; having no energy or too much energy; having next to no cognitive ability at all to being very creative and sharp; delusions; hallucinations; and so on. I've never experienced anything TOO severe, but I think I've had the full range of symptoms.

And just 'cause you can get those symptoms doesn't mean that you will have them all the time. Right now I'm not too bad, fluctating slightly, but I am working 3 days a week and coping pretty well. The medication I'm taking for it seems to be working reasonably well, and I'm working hard looking after myself health-wise. I joined a gym a month ago, and I've been dieting and I've lost some of the weight I put on due to the medication that I was put on last year, so I'm really happy about that.

So the rest of the day? I went to Toombul, bought myself a set of bathroom scales, just to keep track. Dropped into work to say a brief hi to Roz and ask how Jillian is (that's a long story that I'm not going to tell tonight). Then home again to play on the computer and watch Big Brother on TV.

Oh what an interesting life I lead.

~yawns~